MDMA was our go-to sacred formula for at least 15 years. Once every six months four of us gathered (with a friend who was the caretaker) and with candles lit, floor masstresses and light blankets we snuggled in to allow what was to be. Always there was that soft uplifting experience, as if huge weights were being taken away, leaving me light as spirit implies. Then, the heart space opened, melted really and a brook running slowly of pure love, life, light- all the essence of God - flowed through my Being. Which no longer was tethered by a body, but arose above and like a cloud of great knowing, floated. As this happened I noticed over the next few weeks that my meditations (coming into Presence) were deeper even than these times out of time. Thank you for reminding me. For it was my teacher, Yogananda, who offered these sessions as gifts through Bob Raymer. Ah - we are blessed beings who are shadowed always by masters, guides, angels who know us and know what is the next step. Exciting. We live in the unknown. Thank you for igniting another memory of great treasures. Namaste, Elizabeth
It’s wonderful that MDMA and other formerly suspect substances are becoming part of today’s medical world. It certainly does open up one’s world. Thanks for sharing their story.
Thanks so much Jeanine; appreciate that so much. I like to think of it as simply being the door that happened to open. Over time, I learned that when I'm granted these unexpected gifts, they're worth following through on.
You're very welcome. I like that analogy, it really works! And yes, it's so great when we remember to take advantage of the unexpected gifts that we're offered. Glad you did!!
"Our wounds will rise up to challenge us, to hold us apart. We will run deep into primeval forests to escape one another, climb icy mountain passes, anything to avoid that final surrender. But it won’t be for nothing. If we manage to stay together, if stubborn will or inertia or even something like faith holds us together, something tells me that beyond this there awaits a wide-openness, a self-knowing and a love greater than any I could possibly imagine."
--This brought tears of understanding to my eyes. My husband and I have much the same dynamic, and we have pulled ourselves back from the edge many times already. I'm comforted to know you guys found your way back.
Beautiful, Seth. As unique as your marriage story is, it is also very universal -- I think many of us can resonate with these dynamics. Thank you for sharing!
For sure - whatever creates that breakthrough.... Plus, these days MDMA for couples therapy is getting very trendy - you two were on the cutting edge :-).
Thank you for this. Your story and the way you tell it makes me think about all the things we can experience as human beings but are (am) too afraid to.
Appreciate that so much sara. I felt naked fear beforehand. And it took me a couple of years, but eventually I gathered the courage to go to Hungary and track down the rest of my family's survival story. As a sensitive--and a Jew--I was fearful much of the time there. But I did it. I knew by then that I had it in me. As do we all. Thanks for reading.
Well I'm going to have to get the book because now I'm invested 😭❤️
I feel really connected to you from this. Beautiful art, eh!?
And as corny as it is I can't fight the urge to share this story of mine with you because it’s complementary. I speak of how me and my husband are magnets “pulling you towards or repelling you from the lessons you need to learn.” https://open.substack.com/pub/contemporarylove/p/team-sixty-nine
Wow! This is such an inspiration to me. I really didn’t know too much about you. Now, I have a narrative about how you came to do MDMA. I’m going to have to read your book! I’ve done a few memoir writing workshops. I want to write about my experiences, but I still struggle with sharing very private parts of my experience. I am a survivor. But, that’s not all of who I am. So the idea of writing and promoting a book makes me feel very vulnerable. You were courageous to tell your story.
You’re also really good at writing authentic dialogue. I felt like I was there with both you and your wife. People like you are helping me see that there might be a way for my to express myself in a way that feels honoring without feeling I’m giving myself away.
I could also relate to what you said about marriages. I always say it’s like “the waxing and waning of the moon” — a marriage goes in cycles. Good times. Bad times. Times you love your spouse. Times you hate your spouse. Times between. You love what you love. You hate what you hate. And, at some point, we’re just people. I think that’s what you may have implied. I don’t know.
The ancestral intergenerational trauma is another layer that beginning to examine. I’m planning to read Thomas Hubl’s books. There was a lot of silencing in my family from World War I, but probably before that time. I wonder if you’ve had any ‘ancestral visitations’ during your psychedelic experience. Maybe you talk about that in your book. During my ketamine trip, I traveled to ancestral home in the Ukraine, which I took as a sign to visit. But, I’m not sure that’s a place I can visit these days, unfortunately. :(
Deeply appreciate this, Anna! So much of this resonates with me. Those threads run deep for sure, but once we start to tug at them, the whole story--the ones our families had to tell to try and feel safe--have the opportunity to unravel.
Coincidentally (or not): A friend signed up for one of Hubl's courses the day after the election. It's a good time to get clear. Thanks for piping up!
I don’t know you at all! But, your presence here means a lot to me. I’m not a Jew. But, I am a descendent of Dutch Mennonites with a couple of hundreds of years of sexual abuse and religious trauma. Lots of secrets. Lots of things no one spoke about. Family members in Urkraine either starved or taken away to Siberian work camps, tortured and killed. I didn’t understand how that abuse and oppression connected to my own life, but I’m starting to make some connections. I’m also considering Mark Wolynn’s training in Family Constellations.
I’ve got a lot I’m trying to reconcile, including a lot of grief. Francis Weller just presented at a Thomas Hubl conference on climate change. I can see how unresolved intergenerational trauma may be connected to the climate crisis. If we haven’t had an opportunity to be present and grieve our losses, we’re just going to be in avoidance mode — perpetuating distracted, consuming, waging war, destroying, killing. It’s not sustainable on a collective level. I hope the Weller’s book, The Wild Edge of Sorrow: The Sacred Work of Grief, will help me with my grief.
Ketamine has brought up a lot! Not easy though. With MDMA, I can only imagine! I don’t know if I could handle it. Your book is ‘in order’ — I hope to get to it soon. Thanks so much!
This is such a beautiful post... I loved reading this and seeing how this medicine opened your heart not only towards your connection with your wife, but also to other things in your life that you'd separated yourself from. These alternative medicine forms can be so powerful - thank you for sharing about your journey.
Oh, Seth. This post is gorgeous. I loved feeling the opening of your heart alongside you. I loved learning of the depth of your connection with your beautiful wife. And I loved this line. “I realize, as if for the first time, that I have a backstory.” it resonated deeply. Thank you for sharing.
Seth this post is incredible. I've been interested a little bit in Ayahuasca after hearing the stories of other people's journey with it. I know it's completely different from MDMA but I think it would help me confront some things that have caused me some distress. Reading this story gives me hope that if I ever get to this situation with my wife one day, we can try something like this to reconnect and perhaps evolve as a couple. Fascinating. Thank you. I've subscribed.
Appreciate that so much Thomas! Yup, sounds like you're on the right track. The book tracks this journey fairly closely, from MDMA to ayahuasca to my wife and I simply living these medicines' gifts out in the world. Thanks for letting me know it touched you.
MDMA was our go-to sacred formula for at least 15 years. Once every six months four of us gathered (with a friend who was the caretaker) and with candles lit, floor masstresses and light blankets we snuggled in to allow what was to be. Always there was that soft uplifting experience, as if huge weights were being taken away, leaving me light as spirit implies. Then, the heart space opened, melted really and a brook running slowly of pure love, life, light- all the essence of God - flowed through my Being. Which no longer was tethered by a body, but arose above and like a cloud of great knowing, floated. As this happened I noticed over the next few weeks that my meditations (coming into Presence) were deeper even than these times out of time. Thank you for reminding me. For it was my teacher, Yogananda, who offered these sessions as gifts through Bob Raymer. Ah - we are blessed beings who are shadowed always by masters, guides, angels who know us and know what is the next step. Exciting. We live in the unknown. Thank you for igniting another memory of great treasures. Namaste, Elizabeth
Thanks Elizabeth, appreciating the truth (and beauty) of what you share here.
It’s wonderful that MDMA and other formerly suspect substances are becoming part of today’s medical world. It certainly does open up one’s world. Thanks for sharing their story.
Thanks so much Jeanine; appreciate that so much. I like to think of it as simply being the door that happened to open. Over time, I learned that when I'm granted these unexpected gifts, they're worth following through on.
You're very welcome. I like that analogy, it really works! And yes, it's so great when we remember to take advantage of the unexpected gifts that we're offered. Glad you did!!
"Our wounds will rise up to challenge us, to hold us apart. We will run deep into primeval forests to escape one another, climb icy mountain passes, anything to avoid that final surrender. But it won’t be for nothing. If we manage to stay together, if stubborn will or inertia or even something like faith holds us together, something tells me that beyond this there awaits a wide-openness, a self-knowing and a love greater than any I could possibly imagine."
--This brought tears of understanding to my eyes. My husband and I have much the same dynamic, and we have pulled ourselves back from the edge many times already. I'm comforted to know you guys found your way back.
Ah, thanks Ginger--and right back at you! It's really heartening to hear how many couples it's helped....
I’m so glad you found one another again. Beautifully written.
Thank you Shelley, appreciate that so much!...
Beautiful, Seth. As unique as your marriage story is, it is also very universal -- I think many of us can resonate with these dynamics. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you dear; appreciate this so much! The psychedelics angle can throw people off, but really: People are people, and marriages are marriages....
For sure - whatever creates that breakthrough.... Plus, these days MDMA for couples therapy is getting very trendy - you two were on the cutting edge :-).
Thank you for this. Your story and the way you tell it makes me think about all the things we can experience as human beings but are (am) too afraid to.
Appreciate that so much sara. I felt naked fear beforehand. And it took me a couple of years, but eventually I gathered the courage to go to Hungary and track down the rest of my family's survival story. As a sensitive--and a Jew--I was fearful much of the time there. But I did it. I knew by then that I had it in me. As do we all. Thanks for reading.
We all have it in us but we need to see it to believe it.
Well I'm going to have to get the book because now I'm invested 😭❤️
I feel really connected to you from this. Beautiful art, eh!?
And as corny as it is I can't fight the urge to share this story of mine with you because it’s complementary. I speak of how me and my husband are magnets “pulling you towards or repelling you from the lessons you need to learn.” https://open.substack.com/pub/contemporarylove/p/team-sixty-nine
Nicely played—and thank you! Absolutely 100% resonates with me. Glad we’re not all alone out here….
Wow! This is such an inspiration to me. I really didn’t know too much about you. Now, I have a narrative about how you came to do MDMA. I’m going to have to read your book! I’ve done a few memoir writing workshops. I want to write about my experiences, but I still struggle with sharing very private parts of my experience. I am a survivor. But, that’s not all of who I am. So the idea of writing and promoting a book makes me feel very vulnerable. You were courageous to tell your story.
You’re also really good at writing authentic dialogue. I felt like I was there with both you and your wife. People like you are helping me see that there might be a way for my to express myself in a way that feels honoring without feeling I’m giving myself away.
I could also relate to what you said about marriages. I always say it’s like “the waxing and waning of the moon” — a marriage goes in cycles. Good times. Bad times. Times you love your spouse. Times you hate your spouse. Times between. You love what you love. You hate what you hate. And, at some point, we’re just people. I think that’s what you may have implied. I don’t know.
The ancestral intergenerational trauma is another layer that beginning to examine. I’m planning to read Thomas Hubl’s books. There was a lot of silencing in my family from World War I, but probably before that time. I wonder if you’ve had any ‘ancestral visitations’ during your psychedelic experience. Maybe you talk about that in your book. During my ketamine trip, I traveled to ancestral home in the Ukraine, which I took as a sign to visit. But, I’m not sure that’s a place I can visit these days, unfortunately. :(
Thank you so much, Seth!
Deeply appreciate this, Anna! So much of this resonates with me. Those threads run deep for sure, but once we start to tug at them, the whole story--the ones our families had to tell to try and feel safe--have the opportunity to unravel.
Coincidentally (or not): A friend signed up for one of Hubl's courses the day after the election. It's a good time to get clear. Thanks for piping up!
I don’t know you at all! But, your presence here means a lot to me. I’m not a Jew. But, I am a descendent of Dutch Mennonites with a couple of hundreds of years of sexual abuse and religious trauma. Lots of secrets. Lots of things no one spoke about. Family members in Urkraine either starved or taken away to Siberian work camps, tortured and killed. I didn’t understand how that abuse and oppression connected to my own life, but I’m starting to make some connections. I’m also considering Mark Wolynn’s training in Family Constellations.
I’ve got a lot I’m trying to reconcile, including a lot of grief. Francis Weller just presented at a Thomas Hubl conference on climate change. I can see how unresolved intergenerational trauma may be connected to the climate crisis. If we haven’t had an opportunity to be present and grieve our losses, we’re just going to be in avoidance mode — perpetuating distracted, consuming, waging war, destroying, killing. It’s not sustainable on a collective level. I hope the Weller’s book, The Wild Edge of Sorrow: The Sacred Work of Grief, will help me with my grief.
Ketamine has brought up a lot! Not easy though. With MDMA, I can only imagine! I don’t know if I could handle it. Your book is ‘in order’ — I hope to get to it soon. Thanks so much!
This is such a beautiful post... I loved reading this and seeing how this medicine opened your heart not only towards your connection with your wife, but also to other things in your life that you'd separated yourself from. These alternative medicine forms can be so powerful - thank you for sharing about your journey.
Thank YOU, Kelsey! Appreciate your reading--and saying so! It's such great support knowing others are on this path too....
Oh, Seth. This post is gorgeous. I loved feeling the opening of your heart alongside you. I loved learning of the depth of your connection with your beautiful wife. And I loved this line. “I realize, as if for the first time, that I have a backstory.” it resonated deeply. Thank you for sharing.
Thank YOU, friend. Appreciate that so much....
Seth this post is incredible. I've been interested a little bit in Ayahuasca after hearing the stories of other people's journey with it. I know it's completely different from MDMA but I think it would help me confront some things that have caused me some distress. Reading this story gives me hope that if I ever get to this situation with my wife one day, we can try something like this to reconnect and perhaps evolve as a couple. Fascinating. Thank you. I've subscribed.
Appreciate that so much Thomas! Yup, sounds like you're on the right track. The book tracks this journey fairly closely, from MDMA to ayahuasca to my wife and I simply living these medicines' gifts out in the world. Thanks for letting me know it touched you.
Oh dang, I needed to read that! Thank you; drives home Gabor’s Myth of Normal with a localized twist giving a stronger foundation of focus.